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Canada: YAY! Reva: not so much

January 11, 2003 at 11:43 a.m.

ooooooooooooooo Canada!

I'm at the cyber-cafe at the International Association for Jazz Education conference in Toronto. My first time this north.. and wooo boy is it exciting!

I'm here doing clinics and playing and generally helping out with the general welfare and health of jazz violin politics everywhere. And you know what....? It's super fun!

I'm in the inner circle of super cool jazz violinists.. heck, I know I don't play as well as these professionals, but I hang out with them, so that helps, riiight? Well, if not I don't give a whooping funt. I'm trying to feel good about myself anyway. It's hard right now for some reason.....

I'm here with my dad and Hiro - we played in a clinic yesterday. And last night Hiro and I went swing dancing to the tune of a big band!! No one else was dancing really - just a bunch of really dressed up older peole who wanted to listen and watch. And did w give 'em a show - Hiro is a spec-tacular dancer. It' just fabulous to dance with him - he's very artistic and subtle. And it's always good for the ego to get gawked at a bit:)

I'm itching to get back to school. Toronto is great but I'll be in Colorado Sunday and next weekend I fly to Los Angeles before I can get to Arimazona again and get back to real life.

The biggest thing I need to do there is get some self confidence. I'm running pretty low right now. I'm feeling ....

just not good, that's all.

I'm usually a very smart cookie. I haven't let my heart be hurt in years. I have all sorts of boundaries and checks and balances and GOBS of walls. It may not sound like the healthiest thing, but listen mister, you've never seen me with a broken heart... it's not healthy or pretty. I have a lot of heart to be hurt.

But Loren patiently and gently waded throught the mess that was me, opening the secret door to every wall carefully, until now I feel quite exposed. And not very happy.

At least today. You see, there's a lot of wisdom in his idea that we need space right now - I mean, what good is getting closer just before he leaves on his mission for 2 years??

But.. see, the reason I don't let people in is because once they're in, the sudden exposure can be painful, and I need someone there to help. Like, I can't get backrubs because I'm so knotted and in pain - a back rub just opens up more nerve pathways and ways for me to hurt - I know I'll eventally get better, but I can't rub my back on my own and I have to trust that the person working on my back will be there for a few weeks or months to continue working on my back until it's better.

And I can't trust that anyone will be there for me and since noone ever has, I just let my back do it's thing and I can't feel anything back there. It may not be smart, but I don't hurt for no good reason, you know?

And I've never opened my heart like this... I feel scared, hurt, exposed, and confused... and now I'm being spaced from the one person whose love I need more than anything, because that's what got me in this state in the first place.

I don't want to think I've made a big mistake... I just wish I could know that he loved me, but I can't know that. Can you ever, really? Does the doubt and the hurt ever go away? Will I ever be loveable?

My number one goal is to love myself again right now. I have a future, I have prospects, and I'm sure there's lots of people in my life who love me. From all over the place. I just wish I could feel it, really know. There's so many peole out there who are faking it jsut to save someone else's feelings, it's hard to know anymore...

ENOUGH WITH THE BLAHBLAH!!!!!!!! Hiro and I are going to get something to eat. I've been eating lately and it's feeling fine. I have to get over the fact that I really like masking any pain I have in my heart with hunger pains... it was a tool, once, but I can't let that be a tool again....

SUPERCRACK is the Reva.

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