just another crummy day
January 23, 2003 at 10:05 p.m.
ps I changed the title of this page temporarily, I promise... it was just a hard day and seeing "one happy girl" up there was getting on my nerves. sorry.
I used to be a shoulder to cry on. I used to bring music to people who needed it. I used to give hugs. I used to get hugs that weren't out of politeness.
My life is going in the right direction. I'm moving up with my career, I'm teaching more, I'm playing better than ever and I'm starting to be sought after for what I do. My classes are insanely hard, but I'll manage. A master's isn't supposed to be easy.
But the rest of the time...
MatMunch called me today. It felt so good to have a friend on the other line who was genuinely excited to have a conversation with me. It's so good to laugh with him about how silly the army is. I can't wait to visit his groovy bachelor pad. He told me I was hot. He's so helpful like that:)Pete played me some new songs over the phone. I wish I could write like him... I love it when the phone rings. It doesn't ring very much.
And when it does, they're always hundreds of miles away. And all I have here is small talk and fake smiles. It makes me tired.
I heard "Can't Stop Loving You" today on the radio and I cried the whole way home. I don't know why it's so easy to stop when it comes to loving me. Or to not even start. I wonder... haven't I earned some peace yet? I just wonder how much longer I have to live this insane life all by myself. I need a friend. I need a place in this world.
None of this is making sense. Sorry.
I wish I wasn't so thin. I wish my bones didn't stick out. It makes me feel even more frail when I look in the mirror. I wish I could eat when I feel this way. Why does it feel so good to feel something else on the inside besides heart pain? I wish I could eat something without feeling sick guilt.
I wish my nose was smaller and my skin wasn't so prone to stress breakouts. I wish I felt beautiful again.
I bought a hair magazine today because I needed pictures for my hair-chopper-lady tomorrow. The ad on the back of the magazine was for that bogus stuff Bloussant - those pills that supposedly make your breasts larger. There was a very chipper girl in the ad looking all squishy, and it made me sick. I am fine with my chest size, thank you. But my eye caught one sentence in the ad that made me stare -
"In just a few weeks you may see results... your confidence level will soar!"
One for one stupid minute I thought about this sentence... "really? confidence, eh? Maybe this is what I need! This will stop me from feel crummy every time I step on the ASU campus!"
And then my common sense kicked in and beat the crap out of that thought. Sheez. But something is obviously wrong if my brain thinks crap like that is okay to entertain.
I'm just lonely. I'm tired of being lonely. Most of the time I spent at UNT was hard, but I got the hang of it after a while. 4 years, actually. I'd just like to know when I'll earn the right to bring something with me besides memories everytime I pick up and move. I'd like the know when I have earned the right to stop having my heart broken. I want someone to care that my heart is theirs. I want to stop crying.
And above all other things I want to be loved for who I am. Even the crummy parts. I don't want to hear any more about how frustrating or confusing I am because I'm a woman. Yes, I'm frustrating and confusing. I can't even understand myself. I'm obviously a seriously flawed person who doesn't ever deserve to be loved because yes, I AM a woman.
I apologize for women everywhere. We are completely not worth it because you are obviously better in every way, and forcing you to understand us is putting you though hell. GIVE UP! We're not worth that kind of trouble. Go hang out with the men. You're happier that way, right? Problem solved.
whoa nelly oh man am I on some kind of roll...
I am freakishly lonely. I don't like the people here because they make me feel bad and I am upset because I am a horrible woman who has all these nasty rumors about me circulating around people I have never met because I broke a date with some moron I haven't even seen in months.
I need to be a friend. I need to have a friend. I just miss hugging people. I miss trusting people. The gossip mill at ASU is just nasty.
My heart hurts. Why does it have to keep cracking? My band-aids aren't doing the trick.
I'm 23 and I'm wondering when it's my turn. I'm tired of crying alone. I need to laugh with someone. But not at my expense anymore.
i just had a bad day, that's all.
SUPERCRACK says thanks for listening.