on
January 06, 2008 at 9:33 p.m.
So for the last few days, Jared has come up to me at random times and said - "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas." Right out of the blue. And every time it has really confused me, and I've told him it's fine, we got through it. But then he says it again a few hours later.
Today when I said it, I said "It's fine, I'm over it, I haven't even brought it up since then!"
"Oh yes you have!" he replied.
Huh? I'm confused...
"You keep telling the internet I ruined Christmas!"
Oh good golly. He means my last post is still up. And he's actually read it.. and then checked it again, and it's still up because I haven't posted anything new since. Heck, he even got out his laptop to SHOW me, highlighted the words even where I said it.
Funny guy. I didn't know he read this stuff! And if he does... well, I'll post something new just to appease him.
Dang I'm good to him.
It's been hard to consider posting again - like life has gone on or something. Part of me doesn't want to admit it has - I'm still standing in that room in disbelief, looking at her body and trying to grasp the fact that she's not here for us right now.
Ever few minutes, it hits my gut and I think of her son and my brother, and I can't help but feel how wrong it is. I'm not going to shake my fist at God or anything, because I know that's the first step to problem-land, but it feels so wrong. That little boy needs his mommy. I know things will turn out good as they can, but in my limited vision, I just can't make it right in my head.
But life has gone on. Solei is learning to speak all of the sudden - "no", "please", "apple juice" - which she refuses to drink - "All done", and even "mama". I'm able to sleep again. Well, when she lets me.
Our car broke last weekend. My adorable puffy car. Oh, boy was I peeved. The engine broke. In pieces.
Jared to the rescue - he found a super good condition car - a 2000, which is honeslty the newest car I've ever driven - and it's gorgeous. The only issue...
It's a van.
It's a NICE van, leather interior, automatic doors that open with the click of a button, the works. It's like a moving living room for crying out loud!
But, it's a VAN. I'm that person - that mom that drives a van. I'm only have one kid and one pair of mom jeans, how did this happen??
The lure of the van... I sear it's a siren song. Look closely at my pictures in the coming months, as I will slowly start letting myself go and look like Roseanne.
And to start me off on that path, check out this Christmas present I got from Jared. For the cold months, I've been complaining I own nothing warm to be about the house in. When I get really chilly, I've actually borrowed Jared's loungewear - a hoodie sweatshirt and lined warm-up pants. I look like a soccer player, but I'm WARM.
SO I asked for some jammies for Christmas - maybe some cute fleece pants with angry bunnies on them or something. Something to make me feel cute, femanine and not layered like some crazy homeless bag lady.
HE GOT ME THE EXACT SAME PAJAMAS HE WEARS.
Yeah, the warm up pants and the oversized mens hoodie. I dress like a frickin DUDE to bed. A soccer playing 14 year old high school student. And I couldn't take them back, because they are SO WARM. I hate putting them on because I look so frumpy and dumb, but dagnabit I'm WARM.
GAH!!!!
Life has gone on. As weirdly as it can in my little world. Something is wrong - something is missing. I have faith that someday I'll understand. For right now, I'll try to keep moving forward the best way that I can.
Even if it means I lok like a dude.
SUPERCRACK *snort* *scratch*