what I meant to say
June 11, 2007 at 9:33 p.m.
Some interesting points I feel I should make:
1. I don't mourn my former life. I don't want to go back. I just don't want to go forward. I don't want to stand still. It seems like the best alternative would be to simply disappear, but since that's not an option, I have to make the best of now.
2. This one is more of a question - why is it when you hear advice about how to have a happy marriage, happy family, etc., it mostly involves "get time for yourself, get a hobby" and the like. Are they saying it's impossible to be happy in a family? They never give advice on how to be happy inside of the family. Weird?
3. I spent my day inside my room today. Solei played along quite well, happily crawling around and devouring any bit of paper she could find on the floor. As much as I was wallowing in my mood, it felt so dang good.
4. Solei is within 18 seconds of walking, I swear. She's already pulling herself up on everything she can get her hands on, and she's jsut itching to get mobile. Waayyy cool to watch.
5. Hmm, no portia12 and everyone out there that I have probably convinced that I believe that having a kid means your life is over... well, I don't know. I know so many happy and well-adjusted new moms, but many of them have been able to be pregnant and prepare for the baby around their group of family and friends, and then slip into a routine with those people and keep going with life with infuriating peace and smiles.
NO - I am not going to rant on our decision here to cart me off to Brasil and then back to a new town within the last 10 months. That's my decision and I wouldn't change it. I'm just frustrated that I'm still floundering, still not feeling like I belong and still not anywhere near comfortable in my role as a mom. That my relationship with my husband can be so difficult after 2 and a half years and I still find myself getting upset at things he did back before we were even married.
And with my luck and my life, there's a pretty good chance that the second I get a grasp on this house and this new town and how to be a mom here - something else insane will happen and I'll be stranded again.
So no, I don't want to kill myself or anything like that... I just long for the day that this cycle ends and I don't have to feel fish-out-of-water and dreading the future.
Dang, that's exactly what I meant to say yesterday. With my luck, this entry is going to get beleeted or something when I press the *post* button.
Thanks for all the support and notes. I really can't thank you all enough for listening to my corner of the web and my insane rants. Oh, and gobs of love t those friends out there who have to listen to it over the phone as well. I luuuuvs you:)
So last year I read an article about a woman who was a music teacher in LA and has given up her jo and former life to start music schools in Kosovo, Uganda and Northern Ireland to teach music to children scarred by war.
It's been sticking in my mind since then. I don't feel like I have much to give the world, but she's given music to so many children, and I could do that. Maybe.
Well, anywho, I e.mailed the members of my old band and the foundation and asked if I could set up a benefit concert here in Atanta to raise some money for them. I hope I can, and that it helps in some small way. Maybe I'm taking on something too big for me, but dangabit I have so much in this world, and sometimes I get so annoyed that I have the luxury of sitting around complaining about my feelings when there is world out there to be saved.
Check out the foundation here- it is really an amazing thing.
Thanks again. Mmmmmmmwha!
SUPERCRACK needs a valium.