dented
March 30, 2007 at 10:00 p.m.
Ug, I'm not even going back to read my last entry.
I'm fine, I really kind of am, and I AM medicated. But this distance, this living in limbo, being dragged all over and living with Jared's parents while trying to predict if Solei will allow me to go to the bathroom wears on me.
My award for Mother-Of-The-Year has definately been lost people - I've done the ultimate horrible mother thing. Are you ready for this???
I dropped her on her head.
Okay, well I didn't actually do it, but I let it happen. 2 days ago I was playing with Solei on the bed and had to go potty, so I left her in the middle of the bed like I usually do and ran into the bathroom. In seconds I heard her shriek and scream like the world was ending. I mean, she'll howl when I leave her eyesight, but this was different. I ran back to the bedroom and she wasn't on the bed anymore.
My heart stopped and it took all the strength I had to look on the other side of the bed where I saw her feet sticking out from under the bed. She'd scooted herself backwards and slipped off onto the floor.
I ran downstairs crying and asked Jared's mom to check her for any injuries, because I just couldn't.
She was fine, and is fine, but I was so shaken. Not everyone has laughed it off. I feel like such a horrible person AND YES, I know this happens, but I am also a raging mess and it shook me closer to the edge of complete self-hatred.
And no, it wasn't an isolated incident - this morning as I was playing with her on my bed, I leaned down to get a sock she'd kicked onto the floor, and as I grabbed that, I saw Solei's head suddenly next to the sock - she'd done some massive flopping and had launched herself off the bed again. Somehow my reflexes kicked in and I grabbed her a few centemeters off the floor. I couldn't move, I was so horrified, so for a few seconds she hovered there, upside-down, before Annie discovered me and her laughter and Solei's coos shook me back into reality and I lifted her back up again.
GAH. This is twice in 2 days. I KNOW this happens and that babies are made of rubber, but I'm so close to going completley insane, I can't take any more glaring examples of my inadequacy. I need to do something right.
I need somewhere to put my clothes. I need somewhere to put Solei's diapers. Gah, I NEED to stop complaining about my life and just find a way to be happy, dagnabit!!
Today did involve Ikea and the Botanical Gardens. And lots of my Annie who is here until Sunday night. I can't explain how good it feels ot have her in the house. It really is an incredible blessing and I'm soaking up every minute of it.
Thank you for being there, internet world. I'm out of things to say, for the moment. I'll be back soon.
SUPERCRACK.