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enemies, shmemenies

March 05, 2007 at 3:36 p.m.

Holy crap, y�all suck. I said NO saying I look good. Bah, I�m taking a picture of me at my scariest, just to show all of you. I am one scary beast in the morning... or wait, more at night, right when Jared comes home and I gleefully hand him Solei and run to the bathroom for the first time in hours.

Regardless, thanks for the sweet thoughts. I feel a little lighter in my step because of them. That and me niticing that my pants ar ea size 4 (vanity sized, I know, but my vanity can use it right now. WOOHOO!!!)

I also think I need pictures of Solei when she�s howling at me. When she smiles, yes she lights up a city block, but that girl can tear your face off when she�s cranky (we have too much in common).

On Saturday she learned how to SCREAM. Not cry, scream like a howler monkey. She�s so delighted with this sound coming out of her, she just smiles as she emits this noise that is so horrific I�m sure I have brain damage.

She did it in church yesterday too � gleefully shrieking. Jared had to take her out because I was laughing too hard. Sometimes, you just gotta giggle. Cuz if I didn�t, I�d be in a cozy white jacket with buckle accessories right now.

*&^%*&^%^%$#%$#^$@$@^%$#^%$#^%$#&^%$%$#^%$#^%$#%$

It�s an unfair trick of the universe that had me wide awake this morning at 3am, while my infant daughter was sleeping like a rock. She�s been waking 5am lately, and it�s been driving us nuts. But last night she slept perfectly, whereas I was not so lucky.

My thoughts were filled with 2 people, friends of my past, not my present. Not of my present because I was a doofus. Well, doofus to one, I�m not sure why the other one hates me, though I have my theories.

Maybe I�ve been watching too many spy movies, but I was wondering if I even had any enemies, like Russia or Dr. Claw. I was just curious the other dayas I tried to total up my true-blue enemies (no arch ones though, sadly) and besides a few exes, I could only come up with two people who can�t stand the sight of me. And then, oh-so-happily, they woke me up at 3am.

I figured since I can�t get closure on them, I should just blog. I�ve never blogged about it before, because believe it or not, I have a few rules about what I write in this space. Its come in handy too, because you never know who stumbles on your online drooling, as I learned from person number two. But, I�ll break my rule and blog because it�s better to not keep this kind of stuff in. If someone hurts you, that�s their bad, but if you hold that in and don�t let it go, your just creating negative gobblydegook in your body (I picture it as that tar on the lungs sort of thing, but on your soul). I�m a spiritual gal, so I like to scrub up the old soul every now and then, so, here�s with it:

#1 � Roommate.

The Good Times Roll: As we all know, grad school was a bear for me. I didn�t fit in at ASU or in the state of Arizona for that matter, and it is just hard work. Ask Casey, there�s just a difference when you are a grad student. Friendships are different, things are a little colder, more professional, less forgiving. It�s freaking hard.

I did get a great blessing though, during my second year. I moved into a great house with 2 fabulous roommates. The one in question had her masters in something all brainy, and was doing work she couldn�t even tell me about. Some guy from the government came to our house and interviewed me to make sure I wasn�t a security risk. She was just that cool.

We went dancing, got way too into Homestar Runner and sunbathed in the backyard while eating nachos and complaining about boys. It was a huge centering effect on me, and I was really lucky to have it.

The Dish: When I graduated, I wanted a party, but didn�t know many people that would come besides the few people I�d locked myself in the library with for the last 2 years. Roommate came to the rescue and invited her friends, a band her boyfriend was in and helped me feel way more put together than I had in a while, it was a great gift and I loved it.

As party-goers were leaving, I hugged my friend Jessica (future bridesmaid, LOVE her), one of the few friends I knew who had come and thanked her profusely for making the trek to the shindig (a 45 minute haul for her) and told her she was the one person I had wanted to see there.

Of course I meant that as out of the few people I�d invited, I�d hoped she would be there most of all. But Roommate heard and thought that I�d meant I didn�t like any of the people she�d invited and got really, really offended. Days later, she asked me if I�d gotten her e.mail and I told her I didn�t � so she resent it � a very hurt epistle telling me I was a jerk for not appreciating the party she�d thrown for me. I was horrified she thought this and apologized over and over and tried to explain myself, but she never really forgave me. I tried to call her after I moved, but she made it clear she was glad I was out of the state. It was sad, I sent her a wedding invite, but she never responded.

Jerry�s Final Thought: Wish I could change her mind and heart, since I still really love her and miss her, but I have to let this one go. I was a mess back then and I don�t know if I�d want to stay in contact with me either. Sucks though. If I could call her now, I�d tell her how sorry I am. And that I wish she could get over hating me. But, it�s her choice, and I�m not a huge fan of rejection. So I�ll leave it at that.

#2 Her.

The Good Time Roll: I never blogged about this, and I�m glad I didn�t. If you go back to the days of my earlier blogging, I mention Her a lot as she was my best friend through those first crazy days of college. Our relationship was alternately wonderful and strained, as we were both violinists at about the same level, both dramatic and both had the same interests in singing and such.

It�s just hard to be friends with another violinist. Sabrina, remember how much I hated you when we met?? I do � a youth orchestra in jr. high and even though I was concert mistress, she ALWAYS came early and stole my chair � it�s okay, somehow we managed to still dig each other eventually ;) There�s an underlying sense of competition, and this Her and I both had it. It was tough sometimes, and she was a lot more assertive than I was so often I�d end up feeling a little crushed when our egos collided. But when we gave each other space, we had a total blast.

Late night trips to Sonic, putting a bra on a school statue, karaoke, lunchtime Kids in the Hall, and the time she picked me up at my dorm at midnight after my junior recital, having just been dumped by my boyfriend, and she stayed up into the night dying my hair blue. Some of my best memories from college are from the times we spent together.

The Dish: I was over at her place where she lived with her brother and his girlfriend was making fun of something I�d said, so I pretended to be more hurt than I was and said something childish that she had every right to be offended at. When I found out she was offended I apologized to her and the brother, but from then on, there was this uncomfortable space between Her and I, and I didn�t know and still don�t know if it was because she was mad for what I said to girlfriend or something else. Christmas break was coming up, so I figured I�d lay low through the holiday and maybe when we came back, things would be different.

They were � suddenly she despised me. I kept up my patented hide-from-it technique and ended up having the best semester of all my college years, but it was sad that suddenly this friendship was gone.

Then, people started coming to me and wanting to talk about what she was saying about me. Apparently she was sitting people down and giving them a rundown of all my flaws and misdeeds, some which were true, some which weren�t. I got random nasty e.mails, including a song she wrote and recorded about how narcissistic I am that unfortunately, I never got to hear because my computer ate it. (I�m so vain� I�m so excited someone wrote a song about me!)

The weirdest part was when my roommate(a friend of Her) confronted me about something I�d written about her on my website and announced she was moving out. I scoured my site to figure out what I�d written, but I came up with nothing. Then a few months later it hit � I had a livejournal account for reading some friend�s locked blogs, and had very few entries in it, but one night I was having problems with said roommate and wrote a locked entry in the lj to vent. But how did my roommate see that? Ahhh, the Her had access to a friend who had access to it, and that was the only way. Convoluted, yes. No one must have explained to the roommate that only 3 people in the world could even access it, and she was too mad for me to explain myself. It was fine over all since we really shouldn�t have been living together in the first place (she was a neat freak, I am the precise opposite). Still, you don�t like people thinking you are worse than you actually are. I mean, I may be a creep in some instances, but I was never a supercreep.

Jerry�s Final Thought: I�ve kept mum on the subject from then (well, until now) and since I didn�t get in anyone�s face about it, I still have no idea why she hates me. I mean, I can be a whale of a narcissist i.e. �a blogger� and I�ve been known to be a blockhead, but aside from the bra on the statue and putting an e-boyfriend�s e.mail address on a Britney Spears newsletter list, I don�t think I�ve ever done anything intentional to anyone. Well, besides a sibling, but I think those are free game (sorry Mom, it�s a miracle Dallin and Quinn aren�t in therapy).. I don�t want to be her friend again, it�s just sad it ended like that, instead of a nice and easy growing apart.

Last summer I went crazy nesting before Jared and I moved to Brasil, and I put together photo albums for all of high school, college and our wedding in preparation for all the baby albums. I found tons of pictures of her, and wondered for a moment about what I should do about them. I ended up putting them in, because I want to remember those years for what they were, and she was a part of them. We�ll never talk again and that�s fine, but it felt like some kind of victory that I could look at the pictures, smile, and keep going.

***

Well intraweb, I guess that�s the only closure I�ll get. Much thanks and love to all the friends I have that can look past al my crack and love me (and visit me � oh Annie, you are SO getting an Ode coming soon!!!). But at least now the world knows I have 2 people that can�t stand me, but not enough to be an enemy, le sigh. Not even the good kind. Well, the first one (brainy chick) MIGHT be developing a ray gun for the government, you never know. In that case, I could try and stop her, all superhero like.

SUPERCRACK is going to need more spandex for this.

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