deeper and deeper
January 10, 2007 at 10:56 a.m.
I haven't been updating for the last few days because things have become progressively more difficult. I know writing in here can be therapudic, but there's also a point when there's so much bad swirling around in you head, that letting it out doesn't always release it - sometimes it just helps it multiply.
So quickly, before I head out with 2 crazy Brasilian women in search of some baby formula, this is the haps:
* I've been hoping and hoping that Solei could keep nursing, but she's just kept refusing. So the last 2 days, I've given her the bottle. She's been her usual angry self, nothing new there, but I'm not getting rejected and that's kind of nice. Still, I keep thinking there's a possibility she wants to nurse? This morning we realized we need another can o' formula pronto, so I decided to nurse her. She took to it pertty well, so I thought maybe she likes this now?? Nope, an hour and a half later she was angry and hungry, and the thought of nursing made her furious. The bottle worked. She's willing to nurse one time a day in the morning when she's too tired to know any better, but that's it.
So, we're done. Except now, I don't know how to stop my body from making milk! I'm too scared to stop at once, I don't like hurting! And Solei doesn't want any... so I've been pumping when I get engorged. This will NOT make me stop making milk. I'm eating less, but my body can't take a hint. They make a drug to stop, but I checked the side effects and I don't want to chance getting even MORE depressed. Plus it can take weeks to work.... AGH!!
* Our house FINally went to closing yesterday. BUT - the night before, the buyer tried to pull out. Our realtor freaked and threatened legal action, so they said they'd go through with it. So what do these morons try to pull?? They show up to closing and say they don't have enough to cover closing costs. After we have already lowered the price, given them incentives (geez, even furniture!) and agreed to cover half of the closing fees, they say, "Can you give us a $4,000 check to cover our closing fees too?" So, DUH, we walked. We are still paying a mortgage on a house that won't sell and we have no idea what to do...
* My post-partum depression is just getting worse. Poor Jared tries so hard and does so much to lift my spirits, but the reality is that most of my waking hours are spent alone with a baby that screams at me and I can't figure out why. I can't get anything accomplished that I'd like to, and all I want to do is bury my head in the couch and never come out. My body hurts from the aftershocks of giving birth 3 months later. I cry and cry, but the one thing I don't do that I'd love to is scream. I can hear everything the people living around me do, and I don't want them to hear me howling.
In the last 3 years I've packed and moved 4 times. In the last 2 years I got married, bought a house, and got pregnant. In the last year we were jobless, and Jared found a new one. It involved us moving to another country and me giving birth here, but now nothing is going right. We are soon to be jobless again, and poor Jared has to bear the burden of trying to find a new one, dealing with our home situation, a new baby, and a wife that is useless in this strange land.
I'm not writing an entry to wallow though, I'm writing it so that when things turn around for us, which I know they will someday (soon??), I will be able to look back on this and say WOW... I survived. And I will.
The one this that worries me sometimes is that I know God sometimes gives us trials to strengthen us for even more difficult trials later on down the road that would be impossible had there not been earlier difficulties to maneuver around.
And a voice deep down says this is the case... you mean things could actually be HARDER than this someday??? AAAKKKK!!!
SUPERCRACK needs a hug!